As much as sometimes we want to extend our hand, our kind word and thought on this particular day to someone out there, I find that I restrain myself from doing so. It didn’t actually occur to me what today was until I looked at my calendar and remembered. To realize that you are in a different place in life and that things aren’t they way they were anymore used to be a disheartening and heart-breaking though.
When do you stop living in the past and start living for the now and planning for the future. When do you start to realize that you can’t keep holding on to any shred of hope that things will turn around and be different…and that it is you who has to start making more decisions even though you may be scared to and tired of making mistakes that got you to where you are in the first place? When do you start accepting that things are the way they are and that you are okay with that?
While everything in my life has seemed like a crazy roller coaster, especially in the last four years and everything still isn’t perfect…I think I finally have come to a place where I am at peace with what’s happened. As much wrong has I have done as a person and admitted my faults too, it doesn’t matter. You can’t make someone love you, forgive you or accept you if they don’t want to. In relationships, there are two sides…two people…two minds….two hearts. As much as you can put yourself out there and try to make them understand that you are sorry and you admit your wrongs….they too must truly understand, forgive and work with you in making things better. Furthermore, they too must come to the realization of what they have done that has wronged you as well. Nothing can come to fruition without both sides wanting the same thing. People need to be on the same page to make things work. It seems I have been on the wrong pages in many situations for a long time and and with the wrong people.
I can’t help but seek forgiveness for all the wrong I’ve done, and maybe that is why the last four years of life has been so unbearably hard and trying. I’ve lost loved ones, my career, my livelihood and more than I could have ever imagined. If all life is suffering as in the teachings of Buddha…then maybe this is my punishment for all the wrongs I have done to you.
Sometimes everything in your life has to fall apart for it one day to start falling back in place.
